Cream in the middle of the oreo cookie

Tonight I was the cream in the middle of the oreo cookie. After reading books, singing songs, praying, and snuggling, both kids ended up falling asleep holding my hand (AJ) and resting their arm over my leg (Abby) in AJ's bed. It was the perfect ending to a perfect day.

The Blessings I am Thankful For

This weekend was very busy, but so much fun. I made me realize how many blessings I have and how much I have to be thankful for. I had cousins come from all over the country come to join in celebrating my cousin Brianna's wedding. It was so nice to visit and catch up with them all.

Alexandria has become my second home. I love that I live so close to my parents and that we always have this vacation-land at our fingertips. Both AJ and Abby simply adore my parents and sister, so it is hard to tell who is more excited to come this way when we start loading the van. This time, once I had everything packed and started to put things in the van, both kids wanted to sit in their carseats for the half hour while I stuffed and shoved things into every nook and cranny.

AJ was cuddling with my mom this morning downstairs and he randomly asked her if she will always have the fish in their fish tank when he comes to visit. She replied that they probably would. He then got very serious and asked her if she would always be alive as long as he is alive. What a serious question and such a difficult response. She shared that she hoped to live a very long time, but that it was up to Jesus how long on earth we have. She couldn't recap their conversation without both of us welling up with tears. I am so appreciative and thankful that my kids will forever have these memories and experiences with all of their grandparents.

I am not sure what triggered these questions, but I did think that maybe it is because the other day I was sharing with my family how a friend of mine's nephew was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and that the doctors have only given him a few months to live. My friend had lost her baby only a few weeks before he was due 2 1/2 years ago, and it just breaks my heart to hear of the sorrow and sadness that she and now her brother and sister-in-law are needing to endure. My miscarriages have all been very sad and at times devastating. They have made me question and grow. They have brought some of the greatest sorrows that I have ever experienced in my life, and I don't know if anybody could really understand what I felt and went through unless they have been in similar situations. But then to have lost a child right as you are prepared for the start of a life together here on earth. Or to prepare to lose a child so young and so unexpectedly. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow they have experienced and will continue to experience. It just makes me so thankful and appreciative every day for this time I have with my children, friends, and families.

I know my last few posts have been on the struggles I have had lately and the things that have been difficult for me, but I do firmly believe that challenges in our lives do help us appreciate the gifts that the Lord has given us already, and it is true in my life. I love my kids so much that when I really stop to think about how much I love them, I can almost not handle the warmth that wells in my chest and the tears that overflow in my eyes. Adam is such a wonderful father and gives his all to provide for our family. My parents have been the rock in my life that I have always known to rely and depend on. I have my faith and God who is loving and forgiving. I have a job that I love and feel proud to do. I have extended family who I know would be there for me if I needed them. I have a house, vehicles, and food in my pantry. I have my health and I have some of the most amazing friends on this planet. These are the blessings I am thankful for.

I have a plan

Today was a very healing day for me. My mother, who I am so blessed to have and so thankful for, stayed through this afternoon to help with watching the kids while I ran from appointment to appointment, including a visit to OGI. OGI is where I went to help get pregnant with Abby. Dr. Rice was my doctor before, and when I called yesterday to schedule an appointment with her this time, I thought it would take months to get an appointment with her because typically there is about a four month waiting period. This time there was a cancellation, and I was able to get in today at 10:30. I was actually shaking I was so nervous for the appointment. I was scared about finances, because I was told that I have a lifetime limit of 10,000. I was scared about if she would be willing for me to share some appointments at the queen of peace hospital because I can't figure out how otherwise I would be able to make an average of 8 appointments on a given month while trying to work with two kids. I was scared to hear what her thoughts were on a plan, having a laperoscopy in the near future, and how many rounds of infertility she predicted I might need.

The appointment went so well, by far better than I imagined it to go. Dr. Rice remembered me from before and put my mind at ease by asking to look at pictures of my kids. I was happy to pull out my cell phone and to flash several pictures of the children who are the twinkle in my eyes. She oohed and ahhed over how adorable they are, which of course helped me feel more happy and comfortable.

To make a very long story short, she confirmed that she also believed I had miscarried last month. She said it was very unlikely that I would be a full week late on starting my cycle, especially since I had two positive pregnancy tests. She did an exam and said she suspected I had endometriosis back and that I need another laperoscopy. She said I could have one as early as this month or wait until December (since then I can have the surgery while I am on vacation from work). This will allow my body time to recover before starting infertility treatments.

Dr. Rice also said that each cycle will only cost about 1500 per cycle, so that in addition to some of these initial meetings will get us about five tries to get pregnant. This was such wonderful news to me because I was thinking I would only be able to get about two rounds covered by insurance, but I am so confident in Dr. Rice, that just makes me so excited to think that this may all be a possibility. I love my two children so much, and I don't want to discredit at all the miracles that they are and what a blessing I believe they are, but I just feel like we are not yet complete. Before last week when I got the positive tests, I was feeling very comfortable and happy with the thoughts of adoption. I am still very open to adoption, but due to the costs of the process, and the potential of being able to do infertility again, I think that will be put on the back burner for a while.

So, the plan? I am so thankful to have a plan. Adam always teases me about what a planner I am and how much of a type A personality I have, and it is all true. I went from having close to anxiety attacks the past few days to just feeling a sense of calm and peace setting over me. The plan is that over the next few months I lose my final twenty pounds (this was not even discussed at the appointment today, but something I have decided for myself because I would like to start trying a pregnancy at a lower weight). I have been running and exercising (with the exception of the past two weeks) most days, so hopefully this is a realistic amount. Five months, twenty pounds, I think it is. Then in December I will have a laperoscopy. After our cruise (during my spring break) we will begin infertility treatments - April or May. Dr. Rice said that she learned a lot about my body and what worked/ didn't work through all the rounds we did last time, so she is going to start off with injectibles and not clomid. She also said that she was really optimistic and she was willing for me to go to the local clinic a few appointments each cycle, so that will really help with scheduling. If all goes according to plan and we are able to get pregnant in a few cycles, we will be due in February/ March of 2013. This would give me about six months home with the kids, and would be perfect. Of course I know that my plan may not be His plan, and I accept that, but I am just so comforted in knowing what I need to do and the steps I need to take to get there. I am SO thankful that this pain will be gone soon - I can just tell that the endometriosis is getting bad again.

Yesterday I treated myself to a hair cut and a pedicure. It felt good to just have some time to myself and to try and feel pretty. AJ asked me the other day (we went to visit a friend at the hospital the day they had their handsome baby boy) if I could make him a baby brother too - at this time I thought I was still pregnant - I told him that only Jesus can decide if we can have another baby, so he could pray for one if he wanted it. Yesterday he asked me if there was a baby in my tummy (I am really bloated with all that was going on, and I was relaxed, so I am sure my stomach was sticking out a little extra). Ah - such a simple question and so hard to answer.

As all-consuming as this all is for me right now, there are many other things going on in life. AJ needed to get his first cavities filled today. Yes, I said cavities. Poor guy had three! He has to go back in a few weeks to get one tooth pulled. It has an abscess forming now after he fell and it got loose over a year ago. He was such a great sport today and left in smiles. We also had a wonderful playdate with a great friend, Jodi, and her two beautiful girls.

Abby's personality continues to just dazzle me. She is so funny, so smart, and has such sass, I want to freeze her in time one day and then other days I want to just fast forward and see what she will be like as a young woman. Tonight I cuddled with her before bed. She fell asleep resting her arm over my chest. Melts my heart.

Losses are never easy

So, yesterday Adam and I had a miscarriage. This is our third known miscarriage, although one of our doctors years ago said he suspected we have had more that we didn't know about because we lost them so early in the pregnancy and did not test those cycles.

Last Thursday evening I was laying with Abby before bed (on the floor because she likes to lay next to me and we are squished in her toddler bed) and the room started spinning. It felt as though I had just drank an entire bottle of wine in about ten minutes and was started to get sick from it. The next day I got light headed again. I thought that was odd and realized how tired I felt. Granted, my friends were expecting their second child any day and twice that week I had gotten up at 1:30 in the morning to watch their 2 year old girl while they went into the hospital thinking they were in labor, so I acknowledged that I could be tired from actual sleep deprivation. I went to target on Friday afternoon and picked up a pregnancy test, planning on ruling out pregnancy, and later that evening I took a test. The line was faintly positive, so I hid it in the drawer and decided to test again in the morning.

When I woke up the first thing I did was take the second test. In about thirty seconds a dark plus sign showed up. I was scared to tell Adam afraid of how he would react. With the miscarriages we have had in the past, both of us are pretty guarded with our emotions when it comes to pregnancy and infertility. Our first baby was due in the middle of August 2006. AJ was born April 23, 2007. We were then due January 1, 2009. Abby was born June 16, 2009. This baby, according to my calculations, was due March 18, 2012.

As I suspected, Adam was very cautious and overwhelmed when I showed him the test. Financially we were not prepared for this, and we had so many questions... where would the baby sleep? How will we afford to send three to daycare? Will I be able to carry the baby without medical help at this point? I called the emergency room right away and spoke with the OB/GYN on call. She prescribed prometrium for me to take twice each day since the last two pregnancies I had my progesterone levels were low. We realized that too late the first time they tested and shortly after I had miscarried, but with Abby I was already taking progesterone pills and my numbers were still on the low side, even with taking the medicine twice daily. My ultrasound was scheduled for August 2nd, when we were hoping to see a heartbeat.

I prayed all week a prayer different than most expectant moms. I prayed for either a healthy pregnancy, or to know shortly if this pregnancy was not meant to be. My first miscarriage I learned that I was miscarrying the day before Christmas Eve. We had such horrible treatment that day at the hospital and beforehand while talking with nurses over the phone - everyone was telling me that I was fine and that severe cramping could be normal - that I should wait until after the holidays to come in (because they were understaffed at the holiday season). On Christmas Eve I went into the ER and realized that a few days before - around the time that I initially called the hospital with cramps - that I had lost the baby. Worse than that, it took an entire month of carrying around my dead child inside of me before they did a D&C. They wanted me to pass the baby on my own, but instead my body became infected and I had to have an emergency D&C done. It was beyond devastating to find that after many months of trying to get pregnant that we had lost our baby that I had so quickly grown to love. I just couldn't bear to continue to bond with this baby now only to find out a month later that I had lost it.

After almost a year of trying to get pregnant again with no luck, we decided to see a specialist. On our first round of IUI, after several rounds of clomid alone, we conceived AJ. I found out I was pregnant with him three days before my first due date passed. Nine months after AJ was born we began infertility again. Three months later, during our third round of trying, I called to schedule my appointment for the following day (at this point we had to go in to the doctor's office between 5-8 times per month), and I found out that my doctor was no longer with the clinic and they no longer were able to do infertility treatments at the level we were doing. I scrambled for a month to find a new clinic that accepted our insurance and that would be willing to continue treatments for us. We found a clinic called OGI in Edina and began IUI again. Our second round of IUI I miscarried again, which was very hard, but at least we knew earlier this time. The Hcg bloodwork that I had taken showed the numbers were not progressing fast enough at only a few days into pregnancy. Our fourth round of IUI after this miscarriage was our final chance. Insurance covers four rounds between pregnancies, and our miscarriage counted as a pregnancy. I remember crying in the arms of the nurse that day saying how even if insurance did cover more rounds, I was done. I couldn't handle this emotional struggle all the time. Trying to drive 2 hours round trip 5-8 times per month, multiple months in a row took it's toll on me. I don't think it is something you can explain to somebody unless they have been there how difficult those days are. Every day of the month has a different meaning and purpose. At the start of the month you have to make sure your previous cycle was cleared from your system. Then you start taking pills to add hormones into your system which helps create multiple follicles/ eggs so your chances of pregnancy increase (which also means a 35% chance of multiples each month, so if you are not willing to go through "select reduction" which we were not willing to do, then some cycles you have to skip because there are TOO many mature follicles). Then you have to go in every few days to monitor the size of the follicles. I was taking injections twice per day at this point for more hormones and to help with other problems I don't even remember. Finally, when everything is right, I had to come in for a shot to trigger ovulation. The next day, back again, this time with Adam to do his part. This day is the insemination and begins the 2WW (two week wait). Fourteen days later, back again to start the whole process over.

So, this last round that I had lost it after the insemination, is the one that took. We became pregnant with Abby and pregnancy was wonderful.

Then comes last Saturday when I took the pregnancy test in the morning staring at the test in complete and utter shock. We had not been trying. At all. In fact, I had talked with the doctor at my yearly check up a few months ago about going on birth control, and both him and I decided that there was really no point since the only time we really got pregnant on our own was way back in 2006. I was beyond elated. As scared as I was (I am a major planner, and this wasn't necessarily in our plans), I was so happy and appreciative. I have been wanting more children for a while, but Adam had requested we take a break from trying. As shared above, it is physically, emotionally, and financially draining to try for us, and we have two perfect and healthy children who we love more than life itself.

But yesterday changed things. I woke up in the morning feeling fine. I went to the bathroom, and there was spotting. It progressed throughout the day, and was joined with cramps, similar to my menstrual cramps. After a few calls in to the doctor to see what I should do, we decided to go to the ER. Blood work showed my hcg level was less than .1, which the doctor said he was baffled by. He said this means that I miscarried about the time of fertilization (probably because my endometriosis is back in full swing), but that also meant I shouldn't have gotten a positive pregnancy test last week. He said I need to come back in a week to get another test and to lay low one more week.

So, once I had time to grieve yesterday away from the kids, all I have wanted since then is to hug and hold them. I am so thankful for my blessings, and miracles. We went and saw the Cars movie together (my mom came yesterday to help out this weekend) and I enjoyed every second of snuggles with them. Losses are never easy, but they are helpful in reminding me to be thankful for all the Lord has provided and the daily blessings I have already been given.