I have a plan

Today was a very healing day for me. My mother, who I am so blessed to have and so thankful for, stayed through this afternoon to help with watching the kids while I ran from appointment to appointment, including a visit to OGI. OGI is where I went to help get pregnant with Abby. Dr. Rice was my doctor before, and when I called yesterday to schedule an appointment with her this time, I thought it would take months to get an appointment with her because typically there is about a four month waiting period. This time there was a cancellation, and I was able to get in today at 10:30. I was actually shaking I was so nervous for the appointment. I was scared about finances, because I was told that I have a lifetime limit of 10,000. I was scared about if she would be willing for me to share some appointments at the queen of peace hospital because I can't figure out how otherwise I would be able to make an average of 8 appointments on a given month while trying to work with two kids. I was scared to hear what her thoughts were on a plan, having a laperoscopy in the near future, and how many rounds of infertility she predicted I might need.

The appointment went so well, by far better than I imagined it to go. Dr. Rice remembered me from before and put my mind at ease by asking to look at pictures of my kids. I was happy to pull out my cell phone and to flash several pictures of the children who are the twinkle in my eyes. She oohed and ahhed over how adorable they are, which of course helped me feel more happy and comfortable.

To make a very long story short, she confirmed that she also believed I had miscarried last month. She said it was very unlikely that I would be a full week late on starting my cycle, especially since I had two positive pregnancy tests. She did an exam and said she suspected I had endometriosis back and that I need another laperoscopy. She said I could have one as early as this month or wait until December (since then I can have the surgery while I am on vacation from work). This will allow my body time to recover before starting infertility treatments.

Dr. Rice also said that each cycle will only cost about 1500 per cycle, so that in addition to some of these initial meetings will get us about five tries to get pregnant. This was such wonderful news to me because I was thinking I would only be able to get about two rounds covered by insurance, but I am so confident in Dr. Rice, that just makes me so excited to think that this may all be a possibility. I love my two children so much, and I don't want to discredit at all the miracles that they are and what a blessing I believe they are, but I just feel like we are not yet complete. Before last week when I got the positive tests, I was feeling very comfortable and happy with the thoughts of adoption. I am still very open to adoption, but due to the costs of the process, and the potential of being able to do infertility again, I think that will be put on the back burner for a while.

So, the plan? I am so thankful to have a plan. Adam always teases me about what a planner I am and how much of a type A personality I have, and it is all true. I went from having close to anxiety attacks the past few days to just feeling a sense of calm and peace setting over me. The plan is that over the next few months I lose my final twenty pounds (this was not even discussed at the appointment today, but something I have decided for myself because I would like to start trying a pregnancy at a lower weight). I have been running and exercising (with the exception of the past two weeks) most days, so hopefully this is a realistic amount. Five months, twenty pounds, I think it is. Then in December I will have a laperoscopy. After our cruise (during my spring break) we will begin infertility treatments - April or May. Dr. Rice said that she learned a lot about my body and what worked/ didn't work through all the rounds we did last time, so she is going to start off with injectibles and not clomid. She also said that she was really optimistic and she was willing for me to go to the local clinic a few appointments each cycle, so that will really help with scheduling. If all goes according to plan and we are able to get pregnant in a few cycles, we will be due in February/ March of 2013. This would give me about six months home with the kids, and would be perfect. Of course I know that my plan may not be His plan, and I accept that, but I am just so comforted in knowing what I need to do and the steps I need to take to get there. I am SO thankful that this pain will be gone soon - I can just tell that the endometriosis is getting bad again.

Yesterday I treated myself to a hair cut and a pedicure. It felt good to just have some time to myself and to try and feel pretty. AJ asked me the other day (we went to visit a friend at the hospital the day they had their handsome baby boy) if I could make him a baby brother too - at this time I thought I was still pregnant - I told him that only Jesus can decide if we can have another baby, so he could pray for one if he wanted it. Yesterday he asked me if there was a baby in my tummy (I am really bloated with all that was going on, and I was relaxed, so I am sure my stomach was sticking out a little extra). Ah - such a simple question and so hard to answer.

As all-consuming as this all is for me right now, there are many other things going on in life. AJ needed to get his first cavities filled today. Yes, I said cavities. Poor guy had three! He has to go back in a few weeks to get one tooth pulled. It has an abscess forming now after he fell and it got loose over a year ago. He was such a great sport today and left in smiles. We also had a wonderful playdate with a great friend, Jodi, and her two beautiful girls.

Abby's personality continues to just dazzle me. She is so funny, so smart, and has such sass, I want to freeze her in time one day and then other days I want to just fast forward and see what she will be like as a young woman. Tonight I cuddled with her before bed. She fell asleep resting her arm over my chest. Melts my heart.