So, yesterday Adam and I had a miscarriage. This is our third known miscarriage, although one of our doctors years ago said he suspected we have had more that we didn't know about because we lost them so early in the pregnancy and did not test those cycles.
Last Thursday evening I was laying with Abby before bed (on the floor because she likes to lay next to me and we are squished in her toddler bed) and the room started spinning. It felt as though I had just drank an entire bottle of wine in about ten minutes and was started to get sick from it. The next day I got light headed again. I thought that was odd and realized how tired I felt. Granted, my friends were expecting their second child any day and twice that week I had gotten up at 1:30 in the morning to watch their 2 year old girl while they went into the hospital thinking they were in labor, so I acknowledged that I could be tired from actual sleep deprivation. I went to target on Friday afternoon and picked up a pregnancy test, planning on ruling out pregnancy, and later that evening I took a test. The line was faintly positive, so I hid it in the drawer and decided to test again in the morning.
When I woke up the first thing I did was take the second test. In about thirty seconds a dark plus sign showed up. I was scared to tell Adam afraid of how he would react. With the miscarriages we have had in the past, both of us are pretty guarded with our emotions when it comes to pregnancy and infertility. Our first baby was due in the middle of August 2006. AJ was born April 23, 2007. We were then due January 1, 2009. Abby was born June 16, 2009. This baby, according to my calculations, was due March 18, 2012.
As I suspected, Adam was very cautious and overwhelmed when I showed him the test. Financially we were not prepared for this, and we had so many questions... where would the baby sleep? How will we afford to send three to daycare? Will I be able to carry the baby without medical help at this point? I called the emergency room right away and spoke with the OB/GYN on call. She prescribed prometrium for me to take twice each day since the last two pregnancies I had my progesterone levels were low. We realized that too late the first time they tested and shortly after I had miscarried, but with Abby I was already taking progesterone pills and my numbers were still on the low side, even with taking the medicine twice daily. My ultrasound was scheduled for August 2nd, when we were hoping to see a heartbeat.
I prayed all week a prayer different than most expectant moms. I prayed for either a healthy pregnancy, or to know shortly if this pregnancy was not meant to be. My first miscarriage I learned that I was miscarrying the day before Christmas Eve. We had such horrible treatment that day at the hospital and beforehand while talking with nurses over the phone - everyone was telling me that I was fine and that severe cramping could be normal - that I should wait until after the holidays to come in (because they were understaffed at the holiday season). On Christmas Eve I went into the ER and realized that a few days before - around the time that I initially called the hospital with cramps - that I had lost the baby. Worse than that, it took an entire month of carrying around my dead child inside of me before they did a D&C. They wanted me to pass the baby on my own, but instead my body became infected and I had to have an emergency D&C done. It was beyond devastating to find that after many months of trying to get pregnant that we had lost our baby that I had so quickly grown to love. I just couldn't bear to continue to bond with this baby now only to find out a month later that I had lost it.
After almost a year of trying to get pregnant again with no luck, we decided to see a specialist. On our first round of IUI, after several rounds of clomid alone, we conceived AJ. I found out I was pregnant with him three days before my first due date passed. Nine months after AJ was born we began infertility again. Three months later, during our third round of trying, I called to schedule my appointment for the following day (at this point we had to go in to the doctor's office between 5-8 times per month), and I found out that my doctor was no longer with the clinic and they no longer were able to do infertility treatments at the level we were doing. I scrambled for a month to find a new clinic that accepted our insurance and that would be willing to continue treatments for us. We found a clinic called OGI in Edina and began IUI again. Our second round of IUI I miscarried again, which was very hard, but at least we knew earlier this time. The Hcg bloodwork that I had taken showed the numbers were not progressing fast enough at only a few days into pregnancy. Our fourth round of IUI after this miscarriage was our final chance. Insurance covers four rounds between pregnancies, and our miscarriage counted as a pregnancy. I remember crying in the arms of the nurse that day saying how even if insurance did cover more rounds, I was done. I couldn't handle this emotional struggle all the time. Trying to drive 2 hours round trip 5-8 times per month, multiple months in a row took it's toll on me. I don't think it is something you can explain to somebody unless they have been there how difficult those days are. Every day of the month has a different meaning and purpose. At the start of the month you have to make sure your previous cycle was cleared from your system. Then you start taking pills to add hormones into your system which helps create multiple follicles/ eggs so your chances of pregnancy increase (which also means a 35% chance of multiples each month, so if you are not willing to go through "select reduction" which we were not willing to do, then some cycles you have to skip because there are TOO many mature follicles). Then you have to go in every few days to monitor the size of the follicles. I was taking injections twice per day at this point for more hormones and to help with other problems I don't even remember. Finally, when everything is right, I had to come in for a shot to trigger ovulation. The next day, back again, this time with Adam to do his part. This day is the insemination and begins the 2WW (two week wait). Fourteen days later, back again to start the whole process over.
So, this last round that I had lost it after the insemination, is the one that took. We became pregnant with Abby and pregnancy was wonderful.
Then comes last Saturday when I took the pregnancy test in the morning staring at the test in complete and utter shock. We had not been trying. At all. In fact, I had talked with the doctor at my yearly check up a few months ago about going on birth control, and both him and I decided that there was really no point since the only time we really got pregnant on our own was way back in 2006. I was beyond elated. As scared as I was (I am a major planner, and this wasn't necessarily in our plans), I was so happy and appreciative. I have been wanting more children for a while, but Adam had requested we take a break from trying. As shared above, it is physically, emotionally, and financially draining to try for us, and we have two perfect and healthy children who we love more than life itself.
But yesterday changed things. I woke up in the morning feeling fine. I went to the bathroom, and there was spotting. It progressed throughout the day, and was joined with cramps, similar to my menstrual cramps. After a few calls in to the doctor to see what I should do, we decided to go to the ER. Blood work showed my hcg level was less than .1, which the doctor said he was baffled by. He said this means that I miscarried about the time of fertilization (probably because my endometriosis is back in full swing), but that also meant I shouldn't have gotten a positive pregnancy test last week. He said I need to come back in a week to get another test and to lay low one more week.
So, once I had time to grieve yesterday away from the kids, all I have wanted since then is to hug and hold them. I am so thankful for my blessings, and miracles. We went and saw the Cars movie together (my mom came yesterday to help out this weekend) and I enjoyed every second of snuggles with them. Losses are never easy, but they are helpful in reminding me to be thankful for all the Lord has provided and the daily blessings I have already been given.
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